I guess things are not how they used to be
There's no more normal families
Parents act like enemies
Making kids feel like it's world war III
No one cares, no one's there
I guess we're all just too damn busy
Money's our first priority
It doesn't make sense to me...
'Crazy' - Simple Plan
I have not been blogging much recently, as I've just been trying to get my head together. It's very, very hard... I'm really struggling to find myself at the moment, because I'm suddenly being forced to act differently, and try to "help myself."
I adore young children... They have that weightless freedom, before that teenage angst sets in and we're basically told the world sucks. I miss being able to have all that fun. My fun stopped at 11 years old. And my god do I miss that world...
It makes my heart sick, to see children, being suddenly thrust into this dark world at such a tender age. It breaks my heart to be picked up from school, and the first thing my 2 year old sister says to me is "Mummy is crying again." What a twisted world for even a 2 year old to have a grasp of what is going on behind closed doors.
If I ever have children, I will probably shelter them alot, and I know this will probably be quite bad in the long-run. But I want to try and keep them innocent for as long as possible, I do not believe a young teenager should have to face such problems adults are giving us these days.
I have to have counselling now, because of what I went through these last few years. I haven't had much of a teenage life, and now that's left me not even acting like a "teenager." I barely leave the house, only for school if I can help it, because I want to be shut off completely from that outside world. I'm completely content with being alone. But suddenly I'm being forced to change. I have to... talk more, to my family...
This should not be hard, but it is, as because I have been told things I wish I hadn't. I had this weightlessness of a child taken away and forced to grow up fast. The emotions are still raw, and I am crying now.
However, all of this makes me stronger. And I resolve to take back that innocence of a child, being able to be carefree... I will NOT give up on it. And I believe this is why I love Lolita, it allows me to see the beauty of the world again, like you did when you were young.
It will be hard, very very hard, and I know this - but I know for a FACT there are still things to love about life. The beautiful growth of love may sometimes be hidden by harsh weeds, but they are there, and I resolve to find them. And I believe, the darker, more heart breaking things that surround you - the brighter that light at the end of the tunnel, and you can really appreciate what you have more.
I'm on the road to recovery... I hope. And this is by watching the small things in life that make me smile - the same things that a young child enjoys. It's lovely as a child, the world is a wonderland, full of such beautiful things, and you worry about nothing.
xx
Princess Roxy
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